In the spirit of tradition (and mostly because I have too many draft blog posts on here) I’m reviving my rant about shitty attitudes and the wonderfully nauseating holiday of Valentine’s Day.
My reason for posting today? Well apart from today being my favourite celebration of women and frittatas, I have just received my eighth condolence message from one of my nearest and dearest telling me “not to worry” because they’re “not doing anything as a couple either.” What? Doing any more…Tuesdayness? What are you TALKING ABOUT?!
Firstly, the facts. Despite a few fleeting romances I suppose I’ve been single for about 2 years. This isn’t a big deal, but seems to confuse the masses and, when I mention it, I am met with an array of questions, including: “Oh right, so, like have you even been trying?” “Is it, like, a protest?” “Do you think the problem is you?” “What age are you now?…Yikes.” (28, ffs, I’m only 28!)
Intentionally or not, many friends collapse in on themselves when I shrug off my singledom and I know I’m not alone in this. From advice cloaked in offence, to back-handed compliments, conversations at this time of year are a minefield of self-deprecation and bullshit justification.
So, I’ve compiled my Top 10 Bullshit Remarks that Relationship Fiends Say to Singletons – mostly for my own amusement, but also as a kind of PSA. Enjoy!
1, “If you stop looking, you’ll find him…”
Hmm? Define ‘looking’? At which point in my day do you think I go hunting for a man? Do I have a large, human-sized net? Is ‘my man’ a butterfly?
The thing that aggravates me most about this ‘comfort’ is the implication that I am a screaming, hot mess of desperation who is scaring every eligible bachelor away with my audible pleas for love. In fact, I’m sitting at home eating pizza in my pants watching Buffy for the 578th time in my life.
It implies my hunk of burning love is just a scared little zoo animal waiting for me to shut my frantic gob for him to deem me quiet enough to approach.
It also, kinda, implies that I am Van Pelt from the 1995 blockbuster hit, Jumanji!
2. “You just need to make yourself more available…”
Aaaah right, soooo are we talking sandwich board, red “vacancy” light on my top or going full pelt with a megaphone? Do elaborate, please.
3. “I hate Valentine’s Day too! Kevin and I don’t need a holiday to say I love you”
Oh, fuck off.
4. “I wish I was single, believe me!”
Do it then! Come on!
I’ll alert the other members of the coven that I’ve recruited another victi-I mean, member.
Let those pubic hairs grow wild. Scrape those granny panties out from the back of your cupboard. Eat the Marks and Spencers Meal for Two with blissful disregard for portion control. Look! Look at how we left that toilet seat down for you, aren’t we brilliant!?
5. “Have you tried online dating?”
Once. It was awful. My first three messages were: “Nice tits!” “Dirty pics?” and “22cm?” which, as it turns out, was a gentleman’s eloquent way of offering his 8 inches of chorizo to me. Account disabled and sanity restored.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I ‘play’ Tinder, though. But don’t we all?
6. “Maybe you should lower your standards?”
Love this one. See, the offence here is two-fold: firstly, implying that I have unrealistic expectations. I’m quite familiar with myself and know what I don’t want in a partner. I don’t watch Disney movies on loop, carving Prince Eric’s face into the floor, I just don’t want to settle for any old lad. I mean, call me old fashioned, but a guy who brags about managing to avoid chlamydia despite his cheeky condomless ways isn’t going to be my cup of tea (NO GLOVE, NO LOVE, PEOPLE!).
Secondly, I deserve only the best and so do you, you delightful bastard!
7. “Are you a lesbian?”
8. “Why don’t you try lesbianism?”
9. “Don’t ever get in a relationship… I enjoy living vicariously through you too much!”
Well, shit, why did we just go through all of the above?!
10. “Do you ever think that maybe the problem is you?”
Probably… I mean here I am: just a girl dressed as Van Pelt, with ‘VACANT’ emblazoned across her chest, screaming obscenities into a megaphone, just looking for a man who ticks every box.