All that glitters ain’t goals

I was never one for commitment.  Well, actually, I was more a fan of misplaced commitment.  Like meeting a guy on a night out, quitting my job and moving 400 miles to live with him three months into knowing him. Or signing up to a two year gym membership while complaining about the commute at the point of putting my John Hancock on the contract.  So resolutions were never my thing.

Cut to NYE 2015 and an impromptu party I decided to hold at my flat. After much beer pong and many margaritas, I made a total arse of myself (note: my previous nod to bad, drunken, decisions) and ended up incapable of moving from my bed for 4 days from utter cringe. I realised I’d lost control of my life – I was desperately unhappy and uncomfortable with, well, everything.

I decided to ease myself into change; to take tiny steps back into controlling my happiness.  I made a list of monthly resolutions – nothing too challenging – and (mostly) stuck to them.

So here I am again, setting myself a new challenge.  Only this year is bigger and better than ever.  This is my fucking year, I can tell.

So here it is: the lowdown on my 2017.  The run-through of my “better me bible” and the reason I’ve even started this blog:

January: Get to helly with dat belly jelly

Woman Stepping onto Scale

What: Lose 8lbs that I gained through unrelenting wine guzzling

Why: Come on, brie for breakfast?! I scoffed my face with all the best (read: worst) foods over Christmas and my “totally awesome” 3 stone weight loss in 2016 quickly reversed to 2.  I regret nothing, but also want to stop craving a Terry’s Chocolate Orange with my morning coffee. The 8lbs I regained shall be lost, healthily.

February: I can move, move, move any mountain!


What: Climb a hill in Scotland

Why: Time to take my new fitness out of my comfort zone! I’ll climb a Scottish summit and enjoy the spectacular views of our country while dry-heaving my lungs into my mouth.

March: Toot toot, eyyy, BEEP BEEP!


What: Begin to learn how to fucking drive

Why: Partly because I want to stop spending £100 when I fancy visiting my parents, but mostly because I’m sick of that distinct public-transport-musk that can only be described as “crotch death”.

This is the month I shall also learn how “driving a stick” is anything other than a sexual innuendo.

April: Bust a move!


What: Move in with a total stranger

Why: To cut a long story short, I lived with an absolute horror-human for 3 years and after I put up with her incredibly shitty ways, she pissed off while I was at a hen do and left me totally fucked for money in 2016. I moved into my own place for 6 months, regained my strength (personally and financially) and now I want to SAVE. So look out, nameless Gumtree account, I’m coming for ya!

May: Booked in Brooklyn, Baby!


What: 2 weeks of Brooklyn pour moi

Why: Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to “go to America”.  This aimless dart never called for specifics, but I soon fell in love with the idea of visiting New York and it has never left me.  So here it goes! Two weeks. Just me, my MP3  and Airbnb!

June: June, me and bungee


What: I’m going bungee jumping. I assume you got that.

Why:  On top of my 5ks this year, I want to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support, in honour of my beautiful cousin, Louise, who passed away two years ago, by bungee jumping off the Pass of Killiecrankie with Bungee Jump Scotland. I’m totally shitting this and WILL try to recruit you to come with me.

July: Colour Run for Dementia, Manchester


What: Do the Manchester Colour Run in aid of Dementia UK

Why: My aunt passed on Christmas day after a short illness but long battle with dementia.  Her mum, my gran, suffered the same horrible affliction. There’s so much that can be done and I vowed I would try and raise money for Alzheimer Scotland this year, so this is a great event to start.  Stay tuned for a call for donations!

August: Vinyl so final


What: Get my gramophone tattoo

Why: I had this on my 2016 to-do list but after the aforementioned financial fuckover, I was unable to get my thigh tattoo.  Plus my legs were still too jiggly. So here’s hoping the tattoo needle won’t be absorbed by cellulite come August!

September: V for…vegetables…


What: Go vegetarian for one month

Why: So I’ve been toying with the idea of going vegetarian for a while. I’ll be entirely honest, I’m still ignorant and don’t think about the meat I’m eating but, when I do, I hate myself. So I want to see how easy it is to change. While I say this is for the month, let’s see how it goes…

October: This won’t suck…


What: Visit Dracula’s castle

Why: Because my birthday is October 27th, I’ve always had a Halloween-themed birthday/party. But I don’t feel it captures my pure love for old school horror.  So I’ve decided to visit the OG’s gaff: Dracula’s Castle in Transylvania (Bran Castle). Yaaaas, what a spooky biiiitch!

November: Is this thing on?


What: Perform a stand up comedy routine

Why: So by this time, I presume I’ll have amassed quite a few hilarious tales from my adventures.  I pride myself on being quite good at telling a funny story – unless it’s me reciting my dad’s ‘artichoke joke’, which takes approximately four days to tell and results in no laughs – so I’m going to enter myself to do some stand up comedy. It’ll be disastrous.  I can only assume I’ll throw my drink at the crowd of five, shrieking obscenities and sobbing hysterically, but maybe that’ll be my ‘hing?!

December: Zumba, Zumba!


What: Begin training to be a Zumba instructor

Why: When I started getting healthy in 2016, I fell in love with Zumba. The passion, the perseverance, the TUNES! Once I mastered the art of coordination, I fell even more in love.  So I figure, what the heck, let’s give this a go! A wee side-project can’t hurt in 2018!  (Note: The picture is from the Zumba with Glasgow Sisters page who are just incredible.  Meg and Christine are two of the most amazing women I’ve ever come across and if you’re looking for infectious stamina to get fit, these are your gals!)

And there we have it, the year I have ahead of me! A mixture of personal challenges, facing fears, developing myself and, most importantly, having fun. What are your resolutions? And how do you stick to them?! While I love hearing how other people look to the year in front of them, I also want your tips for keeping dedicated because I am secretly a Snorlax.



4 thoughts on “All that glitters ain’t goals

  1. hvraymondstudio says:

    Bloody love this! I love that these are proper goals that could potentially change your life and that you have this ambitious, but realistic time frame for them all. All the bowing down in awe/praise hands emojis 🙌🙌🙌🙌 in the world and all the luck for that bungee jump which just sounds terrifying. Also, fellow Glasgow pal Mushroom always seems to be hiking up and down various beauty spots so she would totally be your gal for recommendations for the mountain (hill) climb if you haven’t picked one! xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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